Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
