I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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