nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
