I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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