Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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