hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
