does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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