just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
