True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
