The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
