im about as happy as oj after his trial
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
