i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
