I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
