ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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