I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize