hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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