I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
