There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
