if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize