In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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