apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
