Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
