By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
