I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
