I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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