in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
