You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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