I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
