Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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