Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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