Acid is not a monday night drug
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
