I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
