I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
