My liver just broke up with me...
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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