You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
