Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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