We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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