i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
