if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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