my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize