i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
