party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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