Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
