I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
