God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
