i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
