Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
