What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
