if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
i've created a new STD.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
