Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
