i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
