How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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