I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
