so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Then you guys just all showered together...?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
