I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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