Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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