1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
