I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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