he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
