How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
