A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The best revenge is premature balding
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
