Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
