I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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